Being assertive
BEING ASSERTIVE
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING ANGRY AND BEING ASSERTIVE?
Often we start out angry about something, but sometimes that's not the best way to get things changed. We usually need someone to listen to us and to take our feelings into account. If we go into something angry often we can't get our point across, people stop listening and only see the anger not the reason behind it.
Being assertive is about having your say, getting people to listen and to understand why you need things to change. It's important if we want someone to listen to us that we also listen to them. It doesn't mean we have to agree with them but we need to give them the same respect that we want them to give us.
WHAT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BEING ASSERTIVE AND BEING PASSIVE?
Sometimes it can be hard to be assertive when we feel intimidated by someone, this can sometimes happen with people that we feel have some sort of power over us or have something we really need. Sometimes we find ourself saying "sure no problem", when in our heads we are saying "oh no how did I get myself into this". Being passive is the opposite of being aggressive.
When communicating passively a person often:
- Is unwilling to express their thoughts and feelings.
- Misses out on various things.
- Put others needs and thoughts before their own.
- Won't participate in group activities.
- Suffers in silence.
- Has trouble saying "NO" to people asking them to do something.
People communicating passively often drop hints to try and let people know something that they are too afraid to say straight to them. This is only an effective form of communication if the other person picks up on the hint. Remember people aren't mind readers! Being passive usually won't hurt anyone except the passive person who may feel left out, take too much on, regret the decision or feel unworthy.
SO HOW DO I BE ASSERTIVE
- Be clear and think about what you want to say about a situation or issue before saying it.
- It's okay to say how situations or issues affect you - basically how they make you feel.
- Be clear about what you need changed or how you want things to be.
- Listen and consider other people's points of view.
- Say 'yes' or 'no' when you mean it.
- Learn what to do and what not to do from watching other people.
- Remember you can't please everybody but you can communicate what you think, feel and need in an honest and assertive way.
You may not always get what you want but at least people will know you have a different point of view and you'll feel better that at least you tried.
USING "I" STATEMENTS
"I" statements can help you get your point across and get people to listen to you. Often if someone is telling us we haven't done something or that something is our fault, we will get defensive. Our backs go up and it can be difficult to look at it from the other person's point of view. Using "I"statements can help someone to see it from your point of view.
Instead of saying "You are always interrupting me". Using "I" statements you could say - "I get annoyed when you interrupt me because I feel you are not listening to me and what I have to say is not important to you".
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